Horrorscopes

Let’s face it—everyone loves astrology until their sign gets called out. But today? Nobody’s safe. We're going full "Mercury-in-petty-retrograde" mode and dragging all 12 zodiac signs by their cosmic wigs. So grab your crystals, light some sage, and prepare to be offended.

AQUARIUS: The Fly-By-Night Narcissist Clothing. January 20 - February 18

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive, but you lie a lot. When you aren't lying, you're exaggerating, using sarcasm or misrepresenting. You’re so emotionally detached, you can make robots look clingy. You think being “unique” means dressing like a thrift store exploded and overusing the word “vibes.” You love to be odd yet dislike being told you are. You overshare your radical viewpoints, trapping folks in a web of your verbal diarrhea. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you're a fool and everyone thinks you are a jerkoff.
Prominent Aquarians: Charles Darwin, Grigori Rasputin, Huey P. Newton, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, FDR, Galileo Galilei, Jeffrey Epstein.

CAPRICORN: The Coordinated Shitshow. December 22 - January 19

Seems like you were born with a retirement plan. Your idea of fun is scheduling dentist appointments and balancing checkbooks, and you treat ambition like a kink. You 'fake it til you make it' in all your endeavors to the point where you’ve forgotten how to genuinely smile and feel real joy. All you do is worry and bitch about having to worry and it's a mood killer. The only thing colder than your stiff hugs is your brutal opinion that comes from a shitty place - your heart. Very few live up to your standards due to your demanding nature, but you fail to realize that no one is exactly beating down doors to be in your presence. That's because you're a killjoy. A well-organized, dull grouch. Plus, you won't adhere to criticism because you're fussy, hardheaded and afraid of change. Many Capricorns favor segregation.
Prominent Capricorns: Isaac Newton, Kim Jong-un, Martin Luther King Jr, Al Capone, Benjamin Franklin, Madam CJ Walker, Marilyn Manson.

ARIES: The Self-Centered Jackass. March 21 - April 19

You are the Pioneer type and think that most people are idiots. You are usually quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of much needed advice. You aren't good at anything meaningful, either. To you, family is everything because for you, family is your lifeline. The arrogance you carry has enabled you to trick folks into believing you have chutzpah because you carry yourself like you're a Red Bull with a God complex. You literally think the world revolves around you - for reasons unbeknownst to everyone that has ever met you.
Prominent Aries: Vincent Van Gogh, Joseph Pulitzer, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, Nancy Pelosi.

PISCES: The Sentient Mood Ring. February 19 - March 20

You're best used for production because of your vivid imagination. But, quite often, you think you are being followed. You tend to use people which is why you have no friends. You boast of talents and opportunities you've squandered because you are generally a dipshit and you like to feel everything—and we mean everything. A pigeon crying could send you into a 3-day existential spiral. You live in your own fantasy realm, which is great… until rent is due. You’re either high on cloud nine or crying in a bathtub overthinking yourself into oblivion - again. You are definitely your own worst enemy! Pisces is definitely one that shouldn't experiment with hard drugs. Get a helmet.
Prominent Pisces: Steve Jobs, George Washington, John Wayne Gacy, Chuck Norris, Alexander Graham Bell, Albert Einstein, Osama Bin Laden, Aileen Wurnos, Michaelangelo.

GEMINI: The Human Pop-Up Ad. May 21 - June 20

You are smart & people gravitate to you because you're usually the center of attention. But you mask your lack of depth with distractions and often expect too much for too little because you're a stingy, shallow bitch. Gemini! Sweetie, pick a personality and stick with it for longer than 15 minutes. You flirt like it’s a job and ghost like it’s a hobby. Yea, your brain moves at WiFi speed, but your emotional depth is dial-up at best. And while you may be the life of the party, your dead in between the legs, because you are, in fact, a lousy lay.
Gemini- Che Guevara, Jeffrey Dahmer, Muammar Gaddafi, Kanye West, JFK, Trump, Son of Sam, Marquis De Sade, Lou Gehrig & Alois Alzheimer.

TAURUS: The Insufferable Blowhard. April 20 - May 20

You take charge, are persistent and like to do things your way. People do think you're bullheaded and, as a woke communist, your know-it-all persona gets predictable and boring. You're in love with yourself — & you swear up & down people want to hear your opinion, but you're a blowhard and your conceit is insufferable. You absolutely love to hear yourself talk and your level of stubbornness makes mules look open-minded. Despite your denial, you enjoy gossiping and your treatment of waitstaffs is reprehensible; you aren't exactly the type to pitch in and lend a hand, either. But you're just the type to bullshit your way to getting what you want. And if that means having to swallow your own bullshit, then sobeit.
Notable Taurus': Pol Pot, Elijah McCoy, Adolph Hitler, William Shakespeare, Saddam Hussein, Sigmund Freud, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Timothy McVeigh.

LIBRA: The Wayward Trainwreck. September 23 - October 22

You are another weirdo, Libra. True, you are just and fair and have a knack for creative artistry but you have a difficult time with reality. Most libras are bisexual and have an aversion to children due to Librans having awful childhoods themselves. Libras were creepy kids that turned into weird teens and are walking about us as "quirky", "free-spirited" or "beatniks". But do not be fooled. As diplomatic and competent as they may seem, Libras are insane. They will defecate in a bag, light it on fire and leave it on your doorstep. They say and do the cruelest things and not lose a wink of sleep.
Prominent Libras: Augustus Caesar, Umberto Anastasio, Alfred Nobel, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Mahatma Gandhi, Snoop Dogg, Vladimir Putin, Lee Harvey Oswald.

VIRGO: The Savage Perfectionist August 23 - September 22

You are the logical type and hate discord. But your nitpicking is sickening to your friends. ANYTHING outside of the margins will set you off into harsh rants and destruction of property yet you only hurt yourself. You're usually one Excel sheet away from a mental breakdown. You critique everything, including the way people breathe near you. You're not “organized”—you’re a control freak with OCD. You struggle with a superiority complex and a God-tier ability to judge any and everybody. But, unlike, God, you my dear Virgo, are fallible. You smell your own farts, and you often fall asleep while fucking.
Virgo- Caligula, Marco Polo, Ivan The Terrible, Ed Gein, Richard the Lionheart, Mother Theresa & The Boston Strangler.

LEO: The Walking Selfie. July 23 - August 22

Leo, you consider yourself a born leader but, to everyone else, you're an idiot. You’d probably interrupt your own funeral to make sure your makeup looks good in the casket. You're more like delusion with a glam filter. To you, every spotlight is yours, even someone else’s shine. And if there’s a mirror nearby, you. Will. Be. Late. You call yourself “a born leader” but really just want a hype squad 24/7. You have a habit of fishing for likes on social media. Many Leos turn into sad bullies that can't take honest criticism mainly because their mothers coddled them well into adulthood. For the most part, Leos are selfish motherfuckers and spend a lot of time kissing mirrors.
Prominent Leos- Benito Mussolini, Fidel Castro, Alfred Hitchcock, Napoleon Bonaparte, Doc Holiday, Elizabeth Bathory.

CANCER: The Petty Schemer. June 21 - July 22
There's no coincidence that an aggressive, deadly disease was named after this constellation! Cancer is among the worst on this list. People both dread your presence yet are in awe of the charisma that frequently gets turned on and off like a faucet. You act compassionate & empathetic of other people's issues which makes you seem like a sucker, but you collect information to blackmail and manipulate! Somehow you always manage to win disputes but, your mood swings make you a liability. You'll help the elderly one day, and slash tires the next. You collect grudges like baseball cards and weaponize sex like it's an Olympic sport and your not very good at it because your numb from the neck up and dead from the waist down most of the time.

Other Cancers- Julius Caesar, Nikola Tesla, John D Rockefeller, 50 Cent, Elon Musk, Alexander the Great, Mike Tyson.

SCORPIO: The Slow Poison October 23 - November 21

Amongst the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and can't be trusted. You'll achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murderers and ironically, in turn, many Scorpios wind up being murdered. Scorpios tend to be mentally draining and start the day like a bulldozer. They'd argue with a brick wall just to feel alive. They live for intensity and can’t even text without coming across as crass. Scorpios are surly goons and romanticize about poisonous toxicity. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.
Other Scorpios include Charles Manson, Vlad the Impaler, Bill Gates, Christopher Columbus, P. Diddy, Pablo Picaso, Marie Curie.

SAGITTARIUS: The Adorable Sloven. November 22 - December 21

You are loquacious, optimistic and enthusiastic; however, you have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no marketable talent. Sagittarians are allergic to responsibility, addicted to booze and don't shower often. Birdbaths don't count. As for obligations? You’d rather eat a Tide Pod. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks that are stuck in the past. Many can talk their way out of anything, including accountability. And you do some whopper fuckups, in all your majesty. You don’t have normal conversations—you have diatribe presentations about why you're never wrong. Yawn, no wonder you drink so much. A Sagittarius' appetite is insatiable with any and all things that tickle their fancy; be it drugs, liquor, sex, or thrills.
Notable Sagittarians: John Milton, Bruce Lee, Joseph Stalin, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Nero, Ted Bundy, Jim Morrison, Andrew Carnegie, Bill Nye.

Final Thoughts: Nobody Wins

So there you have it—every zodiac sign exposed like a raw nerve. Don’t worry, we’re all disasters in our own celestial way. If you feel personally attacked, just remember: it’s written in the stars.

And if you didn’t laugh? You’re probably a Capricorn...